Monsters
by StarsAndSparks44
Summary: Ikkaku learns something new about the Fourth Division's captain.


Monsters

**Summary:** Ikkaku learns something new about the Fourth Division's captain.

**Author's Note: **Hi everyone! So... my first Bleach story, and it has to be a crack couple XD. Hopefully, it turns out to be ok ;)

**Warnings:** Some sexual themes, a bad word here and there, and (of course) a crack-tastic pairing!

And so, without further ado, have fun reading!

(P.S., I'm not sure if it's occured to anyone, but I don't really own Bleach...)

* * *

Ikkaku sat slumped over the kitchen table, chewing on his Rice Krispies like they owed him money. It was Monday morning, and he had the customary headache that accompanied too much sake and too little sleep. Those two things, combined with the loud squeals of 'I'm looking exceptionally beautiful today, aren't I?' right next to his ear were enough to make the Third Seat of the Eleventh Division want to kill...more than usual.

It was suffice to say that Madarame Ikkaku was _**not **_in a good mood.

Turning his head, Ikkaku glared at whichever poor soul happened to be sitting next to him – Yachiru. The pink brat didn't seem to notice his glares (or more likely she was just ignoring him) and began her excited – and very loud, Ikkaku noted angrily – story.

Sighing, Ikkaku tried to drown out her shrill voice. No suck luck, as Yachiru had quickly decided that his head would be a great post from which she could address the other members of the Eleventh Division. It certainly shone brightly enough to draw attention (not that anyone would actually **_tell _**him that). Before Ikkaku could do anything, she'd already opened her mouth.

"Braid-chan had a sleepover with Ken-chan last night!" she announced to everyone, holding on tightly as Ikkaku grabbed her.

"Get off my head, you psychotic brat!" he yelled, pulling. Yachiru – and everyone else, for that matter – ignored him, in favour of the, er, _**strange **_news Yachiru had given them.

"What do you mean, Fukutaichou?" Yumichika asked, leaning over the table and resting his chin in his palms. This could turn out to be _**very **_interesting, he decided.

"Well," Yachiru brightened up, happy she could finish her story, "last night when I went to say nighty-night to everyone and I ran into Ken-chan's room Braid-chan was there too, in her pyjamas! When I asked what they were doing, she told me she and Ken-chan were having a sleepover," she explained, before jumping off of Ikkaku's head and running off, probably to bother a certain Kuchiki, he guessed with a grin.

For a while, the Eleventh Division was uncharacteristically quiet. Obviously, every man there understood what Yachiru didn't. Unohana Retsu...with Kenpachi? That was just...

With a sigh, Ikkaku finally broke the silence.

"Whatever. Anyone who's done eating, go do something useful. Anyone else, sit the fuck down and finish your breakfast!" he yelled, taking a gulp of his coffee and watching with satisfaction as everyone jumped, grown men scurrying around like frightened mice, leaving only himself and Yumichika. Ikkaku grinned into his coffee.

Even if it was only for a little while, it was good to be in charge.

Speaking of being in charge, Ikkaku soon felt the unmistakable reiatsu of his captain drawing closer, and when he looked up, Kenpachi walked in. No, Ikkaku realized. It wasn't a walk. It was more of a...cowboy waddle. Frowning confusedly, he exchanged glances with Yumichika.

"My my, Taichou! You're walking in a much more ugly way than usual! Did somebody kick you in the balls?" Yumichika asked innocently, cocking his head slightly. Kenpachi only glared at him as he teetered to the coffee pot.

"Shut up, you damn queer," he growled, turning his back to his Fifth and Third seats. Ikkaku shrugged, going back to his coffee. It was too early to get killed.

Yumichika, however, was just getting started.

"Such an ugly way to greet someone as beautiful as myself, Taichou!" he exclaimed loudly, putting both hands to his cheeks. Ikkaku rolled his eyes. Trust Yumichika to be a melodramatic asswipe whenever he had a hangover. Turning around, Kenpachi scowled.

"If you want something ugly, just come over here," he threatened, fingering the sword at his belt. Yumichika grinned.

"Nothing like a morning spar, eh Taichou?" he asked, drawing his own zampakuto. Fortunately (or unfortunately, for Kenpachi's pride) before anything else happened, they were interrupted by a soft – yet none-the-less terrifying – female voice.

"Yumichika-san, I'm sure that a spar with Kenpachi-san can wait until you are both out of the kitchen," she suggested, the gentle (deceiving) smile never leaving her face. Yumichika raised an eyebrow slightly, but Kenpachi instantly sheathed his weapon. Nodding in approval, Unohana – dressed in a long pale yellow nightgown with her haori over top – walked over to the battered kitchen table, taking a seat next to Ikkaku.

"Would you please pour me a cup of tea, Kenpachi-san?" she asked, still smiling serenely. Ikkaku took a bite of his now-soggy cereal, watching her suspiciously. It looked like Yachiru wasn't lying...

Speaking of Yachiru, the little hellion seemed to be done torturing 'Byakushi'. He could hear her laughing as she got closer and closer to the kitchen. Ikkaku groaned, debating hitting his head on the table in front of him. Not _**again!**_

"Ken-chan!" Yachiru screeched, climbing up her Ken-chan's back and finding her customary place on his shoulder. Turning, she grinned widely at Unohana.

"Did you and Ken-chan have a fun sleep-over last night, Braid-chan?" she asked excitedly. Ikkaku was sure he saw a shiver run up Kenpachi's spine.

"I had a very fun time at the sleepover, Yachiru-chan, thank you for asking. Did you have fun, Kenpachi-san?" Ikkaku watched as her smile turned into the Unohana-version of a smirk, and her eyes flashed worryingly. Instantly, as if he could feel her eyes on him, Kenpachi stiffened.

"Oh, uh, yeah. It was great. I had lots 'a fun," he added gruffly, back bending slightly. With one last look at the four Ikkaku stood up, deciding that he could work off the rest of his hangover beating up the rest of the division.

When Unohana had finished her tea and excused herself, and Yachiru had decided poor Byakuya hadn't been harassed enough for the day, Yumichika turned to Kenpachi, who was sitting at the table, huge mug of coffee in hand.

"Well, well, well Taichou, it seems to me that you had quite a night. Care to share?" Yumichika asked, resting his chin on his intertwined fingers. Kenpachi only glared.

"...I don't wanna talk about it." he growled, taking a sip of his coffee sourly. Yumichika's grin only widened. It seemed to him that, while Kenpachi might be a monster on the battlefield, Unohana was apparently quite a monster herself – in bed, that is.

Matsumoto would just _**love **_to hear this, he thought gleefully.

THE END

* * *

And so, that ends this (probably slightly disturbing) sory. Hopefully, I kept everyone in character alright (because really, EVERYONE'S terrified of Unohana. Even Kenpachi ;P) and I hope you all enjoyed. Please review!

StarsAndSparks44


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